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[24 Sep 2009|02:56am] |
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so, mothafuckas, i'm in college...and in chicago..but what tops it off the most (are you ready for this?): i hate it.
: D
re-reading this stuff i keep thinking "wow, could i be that ignorant?" and the answer, of course, is yes. i just want(ed) to be on my own and not to take on as much responsibility as i was. well, turns out that you can do that at home (state-wise) and for about $30,000 LESS each year. but not to worry, there is already a plan in progress and the world will continiue spinning..esp in Michigan.
other than that i don't really know what to tell you. i'm taking all "fight the man" classes, three of which i have tomorrow, and a ticket home this weekend. i'm not complaining. my closest friends consist of: my old(er) best friend who i lost contact with, more or less, for a while, my ex and the current boyfriend. they've all been my support and backing for the past month in this uppity, surburban, un-godly expensive place. if anything it's made me appreciate the simple things and that's what i want to get back. i always wanted to BE something other than ME. to transform..and i thought that it would happen here, but i feel like here i'm just disappearing and well, turning into mush.
i have tickets home or someone coming here every weekend until november.
i have instructions on how to both credits and my loans from here.
i have a letter coming from LCC.
i have acceptance into MSU in fall '10.
i have my dad's old house to rent and an amazing roommate to share it with.
i have everyone in my life that i need, and for that i'm very lucky.
i am happy..and it's my own decision, my own choice and my own life, damnit!
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| Revised: 10/07 |
[29 May 2009|02:09am] |
Before I die...:
Sky Dive.
i have i feeling i might be doing that alone :-X
See something on Broadway.
if it were Les Miserables or Oklahoma I think I could die right then.
Get in the car & just drive. For days.
Spend a whole day at the movies.
and sneak into a few ;)
Go on an acctual shopping spree.
Live to see 30 & say that I've never seen 'Grease'.
Spend a whole night looking at the stars.
One day, learn to stick up for myself.
Buy a brand new car.
Go to a {suhweet} concert.
Waterski.
Ski in the mountains.
thinking Colorado?
Learn to shoot a gun.
Spend a whole summer by the water.
Learn to keep my room cleaner =/.
Take the initiative more often.
Push MYSELF, not other people doing it for me.
Learn to not do just enough to get by.
Watch a movie without going to the preview first.
Watch allll of the Scream, Elm st., & Jason movies for the laughs.
Be the best. At SOMETHING.
Be remembered. For SOMETHING.
Have friends of all ages.
Do something stupid & memorible during High School that I can look back on, laugh & say "What can I say? I was only __!"
See Alkaline Trio. Live. Backstage if I really wanted to get picky. ;)
Mean something to someone.
Go to the UK just so I can yell "ANARCHY FOR THE UK!"
Austraila . . . because who doesn't want to go to Australia??
Go to Italy. Spend all day riding in the boats the use insted of cars.
Learn to not judge everyone so much.
Realize that I'm worth something.
Watch all of The Lord Of The Rings. Back to back.
Watch "The Wall".
Then watch it again w/ The Wizard Of Oz.
Hear 'Stairway to Heaven' backwards.
Go camping in the most rustic place ever.
Take more risks.
Push myself more. Alot more.
Fall in love.
Have a family.
And a front yard with a white fence.
Eat a whole tub of ice cream one time when I'm depressed.
Not take my shoes off for a week.
Go on ALL the roller coasters at Cedar Point.
Know no fear.
Make a movie.
See shows more regularly.
as in plays. not quite Broadway, but not your kids 'Christmas Story' play either. >_<
Get really good at bowling.
maybe learn a trick or two.
Keep in touch with my High School friends.
Remember everyone and every moment that ment so much to me.
Meet the last remaining Temptation.
aka Otis Williams.
Watch all of Star Wars. No matter HOW cheesy.
Change for the better.
Get over somethings
Forgive.
Forget.
Learn how to hold a grudge.
Learn to REALLY tell people how I feel.
Not hold back.
& I think that at some point p!nk should be my favorite color
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[29 May 2009|01:57am] |
those golden high school days are over and i am left feeling sick and empty. there is so much that i will do, so much that is already in the works - but for now it's two in the morning and i'm on livejournal trying to get my thoughts out.
for every person that i will keep in contact with or run into at any given open house, there are 10 more that i will never see again. for me, this is alright. i have based my entire life on the promise of tomorrow and making things good for when that day comes. but now, it's today and it's the end. a feeling of control is lost and i'm trying to embrace it. postivie thinking. i will mend the burned bridges because that's all there is left to do. we will reminisce and tomorrow will still come- only a different tomorrow. if you hope that we make it, i do too, but there's no more holding your breath. there is action, there is life and it's coming at you (one day at a time).
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| simon courage flees the coup |
[13 Feb 2009|09:52pm] |
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low millions |
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i really miss spending time with my dad. we've always had a close bond and i am afraid that it's breaking. i keep thinking that it's only four or five months tops. there won't be anymore friday night dinners to catch up everything from the week. i have never necessarly felt jealous of my dad's significant other..but that was before this past month or two.
none of my friends are really in the same position as i am. which is not my attempt at getting sympothy, but simply fact. they either have one sole parent, or a set of two. they don't understand why i can't hang out every weekend because i only see my dad twice a month, or because my mom is at home all alone.
i feel like, by moving, i'm just being selfish. i am disreguarding them completely thinking about my own self. maybe that's true, but i believe that this is my chance. if i stay, this is only going to continue to drag me down. i can't be my mom's parent, i can't fight for my dad's attention, and i can't continue being in the same classes with the kids who i've known since i was four.
valentines day is the worst excuse for a holiday ever. i remember a couple years back, sabrina told me this story about a girl in one of our classes. she was convinced that her boyfriend was cheating on her, but after he got her a carnation, she figured that he couldn't be that bad.
i hate conclusions
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| i had to find you, tell you i need you |
[15 Jul 2008|11:13am] |
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the scientist - coldplay |
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damn.
it's been a long time.
i don't like to be straight on with things, so maybe if i hint around enough you'll understand why there's been a huge lapse.
for me, it's hard to stay focused. it's hard to keep on track sometimes, and it's harder, even yet, to make a big change in my life where i am not sure of the outcome. days short of six months, i made that jump. to have your whole existance, at seventeen, planned and thought OF, it's easy to realize that that's not what you want. it took me until that point to realize that that's not what i want..ed.
since then, i've been living in summer mode. gotten midly set back multiple times, and moved on.
i don't know..this is why i don't update this.
:/
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| Just Close Your Eyes. Hang On For The Ride. |
[06 May 2008|05:19pm] |
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my posts are getting more and more spaced. this usually means that alot has happened in the time between. in this case, that is true.
i've always been extremely close with my dad's side of the family. so when i got the news that my aunt had breast cancer, the news hit incredably hard. in fact, i didn't tell anyone except stephen for over a week..and even after that i only told anyone because they asked where i was at school, or got on my case about being distant. which, i wouldn't doubt. so last monday i spent the morning at the funeral of one of my mom's closest friends, who i honestly thought she'd end up with, and afternoon/evening at sparrow. they got the cancerous part out and we learned that she's at stage zero; the best possibly. still, with everything good going, i feel jipped. majorly. it's not fair. neither of the things that day were. good news, i've got an amazing boyfriend that's been more than i could imagine and there for me more than i could've ever asked. almost five months, and we've more than got this.
in short, i'm sorry if i HAVE been distant. alot of stuff has been happening all across the board. it's all messed up, but we'll survive :)
(ps. thank you for everything. you're the best and i love you.)
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[03 Apr 2008|02:19pm] |
Two days until spring break,
- a grandpa who isn't doing so hot,
- a new house,
- another trip to chicago,
- commitment about the future,
- and nice weather.
im pretty sure nobody reads this anymore. iiiiiiiiiiiii never update. but lifes happenin
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[17 Mar 2008|07:35pm] |
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music |
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Marvin Gayeeeeeeee! |
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wahhhh
not updating in a long time is really not motivating.
everything lately has been standardized tests and growing up. today my mom texted (yeah, she's 21st century) seventh hour to let me know that:
1. she looked at houses, and,
2. her and markitw--jerkface, broke up.
i thought that it was a good thing, seeing as he's an ass, but that's not how she saw it. honestly, i'm pretty sure that her life has been harder than i even know. this, to her, was just another person who didn't care enough. i can't be that for her. i just wish, somehow, that i could give her that missing piece. i wish, even more, that she would go out and TAKE it. she gets unmotivated, goes into her room, and this keeps the cycle going. that's another thing; i can't MAKE her WANT something that she DOESN'T want.
this is why i want to leave. and i'm afraid it just makes me selfish. but i can't do anymore than i have, and it's starting to ware down on me.
other than that, things are going pretty good. and by other things, i mean stuff with stephen. three months and i can't complain :) that's, more or less, what's keeping me afloat. i'm getting so sick of everyone. kara is always grumpy or stressed, somehow sabrina and i have slipped further and further this year, molly is not reliable, dakotah...OH don't get me started, and julia is the person i bitch to about it (it's mutual, don't worry ;-) ) we tried shamrock shakes today, and they were pretty darn delish. :D i'm also sick of being around people i don't talk to anymore. it's hard when hannah and lyndsea are in classes of mine, and it's annoying and uncomfortable. oh, and i'm so sick of nick talking about aaron like a god. shut up. waverly is over for a month. which is awesome..but who am I kidding? even IF i keep swimming off season, it's not going to change anything. not really. the people who cut out, never went, got high instead, are still going to be better. oh welllll..i got to listen to good music on the way.
chicago this past weekend with my dad. it was really fun. i just wish that he gave me more credit for being as open as i am. i used to NEVER talk to him, and i think he just assumes that's how it still is. thinks i'm still super close with my mom. if he knew that the only time i spent with her today with her was when she was crying. we walked down most of Michigan Ave. friday night, got bad thai, and looked at an amazing college. visual arts. wooooo! went to the film open house. there were like 50 people. went to the documentary film making...there were two other people in the room. i'm scared i'm going to make the wrong decision..scared about leaving people..scared. but if you're going to make a change, make it big, right? but, for now, i've got new shoes, best lotion EVER, and an amazing boyfriend. and i'm going to focus on that :]
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[11 Mar 2008|03:38pm] |
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implicit.harvard.edu
DO it!
it'll freak you out. promise.
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[28 Feb 2008|11:07pm] |
i don't really want to talk about practice..or school..or jobs.
so i won't :)
life is good. and i'm happy. (tired, and smell like chlorine) The End
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[06 Feb 2008|11:10am] |
it's been forever.
everything about waverly is weird. everything about it is; including people. but the last two days we worked on backstroke. :) that was cool. molly and dakotah came with julia and i this week; so it was boarder-line fun.
also, got a new (wellll...1999) car. it's orange and caused a lot of yelling. basically, my mom said that she wasn't going to talk to my dad until either i got married or graduated; whichever came first. fingers crossed it's graduation.
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| This Feeling That We Won't Give Up... |
[20 Jan 2008|03:40pm] |
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Bruce Springsteen :O |
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the high today is ten. you see the problem, right? this weeked was pretty chilllll. yesterday kara and i camped out at gone wired and got all we could get done in like 5 hours. it felt more like a lifetime, but whatever. :) the only day that is going to suck is thursday, but i figure one sucky day out of three ain't all that bad. the week was a little on the boring side too (seeing a trend? ;-) ). monday julia and i signed uppp for club at waverly. i don't really wanna talk about that..or the fact that i almost hit the coach(?)'s car, or how she probably heard us complaining about it and how we wished we could just have done a trial, i also don't really wanna talk about how we saw jeff when we were leaving there tuesday (at the basketball game vs. waverly..which we might've actually won.) and he said we should be at soccer conditioning.. :X Clearly, the news hasn't been broken. at least on my part.
tomorrow = :)
finals = :(
week = :/ i hate it when people are like "if you have a problem, TELL me."
i mean, nobody wants to hear that crap, but honestly, IF you do (or have a problem with whatever is in here..even though it really has nothing to do with anybody), you can tell me in person. not via LJ, facebook, myspace, text, or note.
For the record, I know who I am. And if you don't know that, you don't know me.
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| Aint It A Shame That At The Top Peanut butter And Jam They Served You |
[10 Jan 2008|09:22am] |
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This was the winter that it hit sixty.
This was the winter of tornadoes,
The winter where the two lead candidates for the democratic party where black and female,
It was the winter to open your eyes.
The winter where 'ACT' and 'SAT' became the most common acronyms to hear.
I just hope that that was enough.
Everyone needs a college post, right?
So even if you don't care, I need to see if this makes any sense..
I've been stuck on Chicago for..basically ever because that's where I want to end up. The thing that I've realized more recently is, that's not where I have to go right from HERE. Of course, I'd still love to go to DePaul, Comumbia, or Loyola, but it isn't necessarly the end all. It might just be because I'm not completely sold on Liberal Arts. More recently I've been considering majoring in Business and maybe minor in Film Studies. So then I started thinking...Film..Where else do you go? California. Berkley has a HUGE school of film studies, and USC has alllot of Business major options, including a Business in Theatre and Cinema. Best of both worlds? I think.
I'm trying not to think about leaving everyone, mostly because I don't want that to effect whatever I decide to do.
Does that make me heartless? :@ I'm TRYING not to, but that's cause it's a good year and a helf away.
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| Close Your Eyes And Go To Sleep, Baby. |
[04 Jan 2008|03:00pm] |
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i don't know why i never update anymore. Maybe it's just because over break i've done alot? But I'm not complaining about it. Yesterday I almost died, Sabrina...I honestly don't know HOW she survived, and Kara...well her and heterosexual sled did just fine. Then we went to El Az...stayed there for a..long..time :D, went ova the CVS (heat) and spelled deoderant (The kind they did the ad for in ANTM! =O), got a ticket, paid the ticket, got hot chocolate, and watched even MORE ANTM.
I Miss Them. And stuff back in the day where 'everything was simple.'
Soccer conditioning starts soon...which means I've gotta figure out what I'm doing.
Currently waiting for an e-mail from Waverly. So we'll see from there.
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| This Must Be It.. Welcome To The New Year |
[30 Dec 2007|04:05pm] |
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My back hurts,
I bit my nail too short again (ow!),
i miss some of my ameigos that i hardly ever see anymore,
i feel like i'm making zero progress swimming-wise,
and i still haven't moved my stuff back into my room (which is now brown..pretty brown, mind you).
But I'll survive : )
I can't believe it's almost 2008.
Do you know what that means? One more New Years until 2009. Hmm.. Update...
Haven't been home alot lately. It's not that I'm trying to NOT be, but there's been alot going on and even when there's not, I just like driving aimlessly :D
I've bowled..alot lately? And realized that it's not my forte.
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| "Do you remember when.." |
[13 Dec 2007|09:25am] |
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=) |
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We The Kings |
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That's how alot of conversations started this weekend :/
You probably didn't know that she was the oldest dog we've ever..known, or that she almost..ate the neighbors stupid dog (who names their dog buttons anyways?!) cause it was goin' crazy on me, or that i named her after a placemat..Minnie Mouse one at that :)
I guess that's how things go.
Last night Julia, Dakotah, Bekah, Rachel, and I did concessions...for 4 hours :O But it was, actually, alot of fun! :D We have 2 new touchpads and a reel thing for the lane lines come next year. Too bad a lane line in our OWN pool is missing..o_O Todays the first meet (Vs. Eaton Rapids...lol) so Julia, Dakotah, and I are headin to Bubble Island before =)
Basically, la vie est bonne.
And I should've taken french :)
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| And I'm Standing On Ice When I Say That I Don't Hear Planes |
[29 Nov 2007|09:11am] |
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Chicago was last weekend. Even though I complained about the weather, the wind, the lady at the receptionists desk, beet juice (it's gross, just trust me), cold ears, excessive driving, and coming back, it was great. Looked at DePaul. That, also, was great. The school has two campus': One in Linclon Park, which is only like 10 minutes from the city, and "The Loop", which is right in the city. First year you're encouraged to go to the Linclon Park because the other can be "too over-whelming" for some. Yeah, whatever. After that though, it basically depends on what major you choose. Which I need to think more about. I have so many ideas. I've made some decently questionable decisions in my day, which makes me even more worried about the one that will effect my, wait- what is it? rest of my life. oh yeah, that.
There's a sub for Richter today. Which is weird.
I'm finally outta that weird funk that only lasted about a week, but felt like an eternity. That's always a plus because the time right after after getting OUT of it, everything seems great just beacuse it's not what it WAS.
Linzy messaged me yesterday and asked where I got my hair done. This is crazy, and I'll tell you why. The girl pretty much hated me, and from what she was told, probably had the right to. We messaged back and forth for awhile yesterday. We both made the mistake of being blonde at one point, compared flat irons, love diet coke, and at one point or another fell for a guy who's too emotionally unstable to ever be the person he needs to. My Mom's going to do her hair eventually. It was a pretty cool situation all in all.
Spent like allllll evening with my Aunt. Had planned on just dropping some pictures from CAACs off, but we ended up going to dinner and not getting home until around eight.
John texted me somewhere along the highway heading back. Looking for someone to feel bad and tell him "just leave your problems, it's not your fault." It doesn't work like that though. The kids so emotionally screwed that he doesn't get that YOU are the only one who can change things about your life. He reminds me more and more of Nate everyday.
And that's not a good thing (at all).
Hopefully hanging out with Jordan AND Sabrina this weekend. Miss 'em both. :/ It's not fair that if you hang out with different people you lose friends. Not that it's anyones fault, it just sucks.
I need new icons, though, so that's all kids. Stan
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| If We Choose, We Can Live In A World Of Comforting Illusion. |
[15 Nov 2007|09:18am] |
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apathetic |
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Flogging Molly - Drunken Lullabies. |
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so i'm going to chicago this weekend to look at depaul. which is all well and good because i love chicago. i can't deny that i want to leave here. but i also can't lie and say that's the only reason. like i've said, i want people to think about how they screwed up when i was here. it might be the bitch in me, but it'd be nice : ) perks being, of course, then i wouldn't care WHAT anyone else though. or felt.
school, on the other hand, is kicking my butt. mostly because i'm just starting to question it all. and have decided that most of it is pointless. clearly you can argue this countless ways, but as of now...inmy mind; it's got few real things that we can honestly use. in the real world, that is. my 3rd grade english class is getting really OLD. you know when something is so easy that you don't even try? basically. i've porbably got a C, at least, in there. and i could probably get everything that needs to be done in there finished instead of writing this, or in class, but it pisses me off. so i don't. that probably doesn't make much sense, so don't try to make it. if i started complaining about thornburg, i probably wouldn't stop so we'll just leave it at; i hate the mans faces. two ap + two richter classes = liveable. correction, vp = sweet. except when you have to work with, quite likely, one of the cockist (um, never had to spell that one out before) guys in the school. who's ALWAYS convinced that he's right. and gets recognition which only reaffirms this and continues the circle.
but forget all of that, because i got quiznos for LUNCH yesterday. it ALMOST made up for the four shot...that still hurt :D also still have the 'X' on tha back of my 'under 21 year old' hand. last night was brainraid. then there was this sweet irish band. :) it was kinda weird cause i hadn't seen gray since the break-up, but 1/2 of the people (from our group at least. ALL the others probably) were messed up. so whatever. i'm not entirely sure when he started smoking. agk. but i'm glad that i did what i did..!
this weekend will be sweet.
the end.
Either you repeat the same conventional doctrines everybody is
saying, or else you say something true,
and it will sound like it's from Neptune.
--Noam Chomsky
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| I Almost Fell Into The Hole In Your Life |
[08 Nov 2007|09:35am] |
it snowed today. by snow i mean hardly, but it was something, and that's enough. for some reason winter always gets me in a deja entendu mood. it's kinda like word association..only seasons. Sowing season? ;)
anyways, es viva?
i miss alot of my friends. i'm not sure if everyones just..breaking apart, or if this season (not weather-wise, mind you.) i just missed alot in everybodys life and it's just alot to catch up on?
but i really don't like it. which remi nds me, i don't like being confused either. i've wasted alot of gas lately pointlessly driving. it makes me really chill, but doesn't really solve anything. i'm trying to not get caught up in all of the "typical high school" things. more than trying to make everything right NOW, the day that i leave here, move, and forget ABOUT all this pointless stuff, i want that to be the day that they (he) goes "damn..i messed up"
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